Another year has passed. Another year since my last post, a full, intense, tiring year, but also with moments of astonishing clarity. I’m swamped with university, with projects that seem to multiply exponentially, with study sessions stretching until dawn. I spend more time in the university library than in my own apartment. Rows of books, the smell of old paper, and discreet whispers – that’s pretty much the soundtrack of my life lately.
Even though I’m studying engineering, a rather cold and logical field, I can’t help but stray into other areas. I attend various optional courses, even ones on philosophy and psychology. I like to understand how the human mind works, how we perceive reality, what motivates us. It’s a kind of complement, an escape from equations and circuits. I’ve always felt there’s something more beneath the surface of things, and these courses offer me new perspectives.
Shattered Dreams: Romania Remains Distant, Love Crumbles
I have bad news. Or rather, two pieces of bad news. The first is that I haven’t managed to get back to Romania. It’s simply too complicated. This summer I had to work incredibly hard to afford my rent and living costs here. The scholarship is very small, more honorary than enough to live decently in Paris. Every euro is calculated, every hour of work counts. It’s frustrating, but I have no choice.
And, related to that, comes the second, much more painful news. I broke up with my girlfriend. Actually, she broke up with me. It’s an open wound. I wanted so much to bring her here. I was planning to buy her a plane ticket, to surprise her. We could have shared my room, she would have had time to learn French, and, who knows, maybe after a few months, she would have found work or enrolled in university. I was already imagining our life together here, in this city of love and culture.
But reality was much crueler. I found out from some mutual friends that she started seeing some dubious guys. When I confronted her on the phone – a brief conversation full of reproaches, interrupted by the exorbitant cost of minutes – she told me she couldn’t be alone for so long. And that, since I didn’t come home last summer, it happened at a party. She told me she was sorry, that she had regrets, but that “no platonic relationship could survive between us anymore.”
My heart is broken. It’s a huge void, a disappointment that weighs on me more than all the exams combined. It’s strange how you can build so many plans, so many hopes, and everything can crumble in an instant, because of distance and time.
All I can do now is try to pull myself together. To focus on my studies, on my searches, on those truths I’ve begun to explore. Perhaps in this, I will find meaning, a new direction.
As the French say… “C’est la vie. On avance.”
(That’s life. We move forward.)